The Worst of the Worst: 25 Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen

What can be said about the cinema that hasn’t already been said before? Movies can transport and transform, enthrall and dismay, crystallize ones memories and begin new ones. There are however, some movies that do none of those things. Some movies can be instantly forgettable and dismally detestable. So without further ado this is one humble reviewer’s 25 worst movies ever.

25. Signs (2002)

Now I know some might be puzzled by my choice of Signs as one of the worst movies ever made. The movie comes highly lauded by critics and is known as M. Night Shyamalan’s most “mainstream” work. But if his later films are any indication to those cursing my name, he’s a no talent hack! Underneath layers of pretention and boredom, Signs is nothing more than an anticlimactic Twilight Zone rip-off. Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix both manage to suck the life out of their characters, a wayward preacher and his doddering brother respectively. Abigail Breslin screams her way though the movie and all the supporting characters spitefully move across the screen “slyly” leaving out important details and “hinting” at plot points as if they’re not fleshed out characters of their own, but vessels to repeat the same pieces of exposition. The preacher’s wife is dead, we get it! And what is the twist that seems to leave audiences gasping at the end of every damn Shyamalan movie? The aliens invading don’t like (drum roll please) water! Well I suppose they should have thought twice before travelling millions of light years to invade a planet that’s 80% water. But hey, if the liquid that supports ALL life can serve as a plot device that makes the preacher’s wife dying words relevant and help Joaquin’s batting average, why the hell not?

24. Boys and Girls (2000)

Think Sleepless in Seattle or When Harry Met Sally, except without the good acting of the former or the poignancy of the later. Freddie Prinze Jr. makes the same stale everyman performance he always does as the movie spews stupidly self aware observations of modern day romance as if the writers are gurus on this sort of thing. Though this doesn’t really make a movie terrible, what does is the add-on of Blair Witch Projects’ Heather Donahue and not one but two American Pie alumni Jason Biggs and Alyson Hannigan. It’s almost as if the producers said, “Let’s just take various flavor of the month actors and put them on screen to retell their most boring college memories.” A romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor funny, this movie would be instantly forgettable if it wasn’t so stridently annoying.

23. View From the Top (2002)

I’m not quite sure what the main demographic was supposed to be. On the surface it looks like a harmless and forgettable chick-flick but as I watched, it seemed to be more geared toward misogynistic men. Maybe it’s a feminist satire, or an anarchic comedy, or a heartfelt story of a girl attempting to achieve her dream. In a way this movie is all and none, which is its biggest problem. The mood of this film is all over the place! One minute Gwyneth Paltrow and Candice Bergen are gal paling around, the next minute Mike Myers is describing the warmth of a polar bear’s balls while Josh Malina does every unfunny stereotype of a prancing gay man in the book. Christina Applegate also makes an appearance as Paltrow’s friend who eventually slams her head on what appears to be a loaf of bread or a hemorrhoid pillow; an unintended metaphor for this film. Stupid, sexist and worst of all, free of comedy, View From the Top is a rectal itch that needs to just go away.

22. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

It’s funny that the best part of this moldy piece of decade old crusty fruitcake is its opening credits. Offering an annoying holiday jingle, the movie focuses around a group of Martians who invade earth with a wooden spaceship and a robot made of cardboard to rob our planet of our dear St. Nick. Featuring a man in a polar bear costume, a chronically peeved mustached villain and a goofy sidekick that makes French Stewart seem delightful, this Holiday crap-fest has become legendary, making many critics’ worst lists. To its credit, it was meant to entertain small children not nitpicky adults. That being said, find a kid today willing to sit through this dull Martian mess and I’ll show you the creepiest version of Santa known to man.

21. King Kong (1976)

Everyone is familiar with the 1933 super hit and the Peter Jackson re-mastering, but few remember the 1976 quagmire. Other than Japanese B-movies, no self-respecting studio would dare remake King Kong. Why mess with perfection? In comes Lorenzo Semple Jr. co-creator of the 1988 Batman series staring Adam West and the writer of this pile of guano. Filled with cheesy dialogue and stupid situations this version doesn’t have the innovation of the original or the wiz-bang special effects of the newer remake. Though there have been plenty of rip-offs involving dangerous apes (Mighty Joe Young, Congo, Vin Diesel movies) none have had the lack of respect for the original King Kong more than this gorilla sized monstrosity.

20. George of the Jungle (1997)

Speaking of cheesy movies involving apes, George of the Jungle is celluloid proof that no one, NO ONE, should ever make a live action movie from a cartoon. Brendan Fraser revamps his irritating Encino Man persona for this disposable Disney dreck. Leslie Mann (in a pre Judd Apatow role) plays George’s unconvincing love interest, as Thomas Haden Church seems to truly despise his role as the antagonist. John Cleese who was cast after losing a bet most likely, plays the voice of a literate Ape named…Ape who guides George to become the buffoonish man-child he has become which brings up some interesting questions; I’ll buy the ape can talk but how can George be as stupid as he is when he was raised by an ape that can put English professors to shame? But hey it’s a kids movie right? That excuse is a cop out; Finding Nemo is a kids movie, Up is a kids movie, Cinderella is a kids movie and they all create their own worlds and make them work, George of the Jungle instead devolves to unfunny cartoon slapstick hoping your kids will be enticed by the pretty colors flashing across the screen. For shame.

19. High School Musical (2006)

Two words: uber lame

18. The Land That Time Forgot (2009)

Staring a no star cast and offering the most unconvincing CGI since Sound of Thunder, This 90 minute, straight to DVD train wreck has the dialogue, cinematography and acting of a softcore porno without the nudity. The most exciting part of this whole feature was an elongated conversation on the refinement of petroleum. Wow, Edgar Rice Burroughs must be rolling over in his grave right about now.

17. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

Another “groovy” cartoon series gets a live action update in this colossal waste of time. The irony of this teen flick is it attempts to satirize the commercialization of….well everything while assaulting the senses with advertisements for every product under the sun, from ipods to Bounce fabric softener. The songs were annoying and after the initial setup, the film is incredibly predictable. Add all these factors, they don’t make it one of the worst movies ever but add in Tara Reid and an overacting Alan Cumming, you have the makings of something quite close.

16. Garfield: The Movie (2004)

Taking one of the least funny Sunday cartoon strips and giving it a CGI makeover doesn’t make it any less annoying. The whiney half-assed jokes and trite cat versus dog hi-jinks pile on like layers of lasagna as Garfield, voiced by Bill Murray at his most obnoxious chews the scenery. It’s kind of sad when the only actor pulling his weight in a film is Breckin Meyer. Obviously geared to toddlers, the executive producers and writers neglected to include those of us who grew up on the comic strip in their marketing strategy. Ask a seven year old who Garfield the cat is they’ll likely look at you quixotically. The humor in the original comic strip is meant to be ironic and sly; the supposed humor in the film is bombastic, obnoxious and dull.

15. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

The quintessential chick-flick of its time, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days seems like it would be better suited for cable. Matthew “Washboard” McConaughey makes a deal with a few coworkers to get a girl to fall in love with him in 10 days while Kate “Butterface” Hudson is writing a book on how to lose a guy in…10 days! Let the tour de farce begin! A preposterous plot is topped only by McConaughey and Hudson’s unconvincing acting, pedestrian dialogue and the reinforcement of gender stereotypes.

14. Tank Girl (1995)

The movie begins with an arid and eerie landscape and Lori Petty’s idiosyncratic voice scraping against your eardrums. The hero of this dystopian world makes multiple mid-nineties wisecracks (it’s the year 2033) and finds the time to constantly change her hair style while working as a slave laborer. Splicing in images of the comic this movie was based off of and featuring a song and dance number that has no rhyme, reason or rhythm, Tank Girl has the charm of a Mad Max marauder. It’s almost like Waterworld and Johnny Mnemonic had a retarded child and asked a pederast Iggy Pop to babysit.

13. Inspector Gadget 2 (2003)

What do you get when you try to make a sequel to a lukewarm kid friendly success and the original stars aren’t contractually obligated to reprise their roles? You get Inspector Gadget 2 featuring French Stewart in the title role and Elaine Hendrix playing his robotic female partner who resembles a high school drum major. Inspector Gadget is portrayed as an incredulous jerk instead as the loveable buffoon of the cartoon or the nicer Broderick update. Though I’ll admit the first film was bad, at least it had somewhat believable CGI, this movie is just laughable.

12. Darkness Falls (2003)

Horror movies have never been so horrible. The basic premise of Darkness Falls is theirs an evil tooth fairy who lurks in the shadows and darkness sweeping children off their feet as well as anyone else stupid enough to stand in its way, unless their in the light, then they’re fine. Offering a revolving door of characters, many of them simply screaming then vanishing into the shadows, this movie rarely scares and never makes any sense.

11. National Lampoon Presents Lost Reality 2: More of the Worst (2005)

More of the Worst is right! I have never had the pleasure of seeing the first Lost Reality but by the looks of it, I’m not missing anything. There is no plot to be found in this Jackass-type mess. Featuring “proposed ideas” for reality television that seem like skits rejected from Collegehumor.com. Segments include The Amazing Racist, Dumpster Dinner and Porn Producers some of which may be funny to some, but most are just crude, stupid and makes you pine for the days when National Lampoon actually had class.

10. The Passion of the Christ (2004)

We have finally reached the bottom ten on my list and the first will anger many so let me start with a hypothetical: imagine you knew nothing about Jesus Christ, imagine your first introduction to the savior was this film. You would probably walk away thinking very little about the main character and thinking more about the almost wicked bloodlust of the creators of such torture porn. You compare this movie to Hostel or House of a Thousand Corpses and the only difference is the other titles have a little more creativity in their torture and killing. Christ died for our sins, and most likely very painfully, that much is known. But while most movies on the iconoclast focus on his life (King of Kings, The Gospel According to St. Matthew) or focus on his character (The Last Temptation of Christ), this poor excuse for cinema focuses on nothing more than physical torture.

9. Jury Duty (1995)

Yes, no worst movie ever list can be complete without a Pauly Shore vehicle making an appearance. I won’t spend too much time explaining this no brainer, instead I will enlighten my readers on why no other Pauly Shore movies have been selected. Bio-Dome was stupid but had a positive message about the environment…and featured a young Tenacious D. In the Army Now featured Andy Dick which oddly enough neutralizes the irritation factor, don’t ask me how. Encino Man only ran 88 minutes to Jury Duty’s 89 and Pauly Shore is Dead is…well a fantasy of mine. As for any others, I simply haven’t seen them, nor do I plan to.

8. Spice World (1997)

Those who have survived the 90’s remember The Spice Girls, an all girl music group whose melodies managed to grate the soul. Like Josie and the Pussycats, Spice World follows the titular band through their wacky misadventures and manages to thoroughly disappoint even the most enamored of fans. Unlike Josie however, the Spice Girls are real, adding another level to their obnoxiousness. Co-starring a slew of British actors and musicians lacking a conscious or self-esteem, this movie is a world of pain I would try to avoid.

7. Rollerball (2002)

Chris Klein, who you may remember as that guy from American Pie, stars as Jonathan Cross a popular player for international extreme sport Rollerball, a past-time as confusing as it is ludicrous. Jonathan soon realizes that the sport is rigged and his life may be in danger by his boss played by Jean Reno as a Russian with a French accent. In one misguided scene Jonathan attempts to escape Mongolia in the darkness with his teammate played by LL Cool J. The director not realizing shooting on location means that it would be exceptionally dark in Mongolia shot the entire ten minute action sequence in night vision. A movie so daft it couldn’t be saved even by Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’s naked body or a cameo by Pink.

6. 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

The least interesting character in its predecessor (Paul Walker) gives another go at attempting to act in 2 Fast 2 Furious. The first Fast and the Furious was astoundingly middling for my taste but it had no pretentions on what it was, a passive excuse to show hot girls and hot cars. While neither is in low supply in this outing, 2 Fast ultimately suffers from a pedestrian, cliché ridden script and bad acting which says a lot when you’re following Vin Diesel.

5. Date Movie (2006)

There are probably worse Aaron Seltzer/Jason Friedberg films out there but since watching this putrid pile of hedonistic sludge I have since boycotted such fare. In addition to parodying a host of chick-flick movies released in the last five years, this sorry excuse for a movie attempts to cram in a host of pop-culture references giving this trash a shelf life of five minutes. Unfortunately this assurance doesn’t stop this film from leaving blight on the brain. Neither funny nor entertaining, Date Movie has all the charm of a sack full of drowned puppies.

4. House of the Dead (2003)

Have no fear; Uwe Boll does indeed make an appearance on this list. House of the Dead is a low budget horror based on the videogame series of the same name. A group of teenagers travel to an island in search of a rave party but once there zombies are unleashed by a villain resembling a meat cut chart. Like a poor man’s Michael Bay, Uwe Boll assaults the senses with everything a twelve to fifteen year-old boy would presumably want; gore, slow motion sequences, unnecessary nudity, all within the first thirty minutes; All done with the economy of an Ed Wood creature feature.

3. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

This worn franchise scrapes the bottom of the barrel for another run around the track. This time a mannequin stand-in for Paul Walker (accredited as Lucas Black) gets in trouble with the law and as a consequence is logically sent to Tokyo to live with his father. Interested in the fine sport of racing CGI sports cars, our hero gets in deep with some Yakuza thugs and is forced to show some emotion. Co-starring Bow Wow, Tokyo Drift features a climactic final race on the winding roads outside the city that lacks suspense or thrills. Unoriginal and boring, this movie loses before it even starts.

2. Bringing Down the House (2003)

Bringing Down the House gets the award for most misused talent. Starring Steve Martin, Queen Latifah and Eugene Levy, this movie hopes to squeeze all the mileage it can out of dull and offensive racial humor that hasn’t been funny since the Carter administration. I don’t know what idiot believed that the whiter, older and feeble minded the star is the funnier it would be to see them dressed up like a gangster but they should be shot.

1. Monkeybone (2001)

Never has a movie gotten it so wrong. Brendan Fraser (who makes his second appearance on this list) stars as a successful cartoonist Stu who falls into a coma after an accident, the details of which are too stupid to mention, and ends up in a parallel universe inside his mind where he meets his creation Monkeybone. Monkeybone a lascivious little monkey with a penchant for chaos takes over Stu’s body and wrecks havoc on his relationship with his girlfriend/psychiatrist. Stu, still in his own head we think, makes a plea to Death, played by Whoopi Goldberg (the only casting choice I agree with) and is loaned a body to win back his girl before Monkeybone has his way with her. Co-starring Bridget Fonda and Chris Kattan as the loaned body, this movie is just plain bad. Bad direction, bad acting, bad editing, bad cinematography, bad script, I would be ashamed to be this movie’s boom mic operator (which is visible in one scene). The failure of this film is actually quite spectacular; A perfect shit-storm the likes of which will (Hopefully) never be repeated.