Review: Kiss of the Spider Woman

Year: 1985
Genre: Drama
Stars: William Hurt, Raul Julia, Sonia Braga & Jose Lewgoy
Director: Hector Babenco

Overview: Political firebrand Valentin Arregui (Julia) is tossed into a Brazilian prison for sedition by the government. His bunk-mate Luis Molina (Hurt) is a pederast homosexual who spends his time retelling his favorite film, an unnamed Nazi propaganda movie. What starts out as a rocky relationship soon turns into a friendship where trust is brought to its limits.

Writing: Based off a book of the same title, Kiss of the Spider Woman leaves much to the imagination, which is kind of the point. Much of the two main character's dialogue tows the line between sub-textual to cryptic and yet so much is said and understood. The stories Molina weaves echo and even foreshadow the events taking place in the isolated prison cell and though the friendship soon leads to something more, the characters are so wonderfully three-dimensional most in the audience won't mind tender moments shared between the two leads.

Directing: Director Hector Babenco had to create many different worlds to satisfy the storyline and for the most part his efforts are successful though somewhat unremarkable. The prison cell, where most of the narrative takes place has its uniqueness and realism but Molina's escapist movie-within-the-movie, with its tan hues and cheap sets portrayed itself too hokey to be taken seriously. Babenco does deserve credit however for his exterior shots, giving Sao Paolo metropolitan character.

Acting: This movie is essentially a two man character study where most of the scenes are played out by the leads. Raul Julia's Valentin is head strong and disciplined; trying with all his will to undermine the government's ominous authority. Valentin however is sequestered from the rest of the prison population and is never seen with anyone else in the prison except his cell-mate. As a result, all his rage is released on the kind Molina. William Hurt turns in quite a performance as Luis Molina moving and speaking with a level of femininity that moves beyond homosexual archetypes. By the end of the film Molina is changed by his relationship with Valentin, so much so that he aids him in his fight not out of renewed political awakenings but out of a need to find worth in life though love.

Bankability: Though permeated by portions of violence and political intrigue, at its heart this film is a love story. Called "a gay Casablanca" this film predates Brokeback Mountain and Milk by 20 years. Though the intimate scenes are tasteful those uncomfortable with homosexual relations should watch something else, but those interested in seeing Raul Julia and William Hurt at their absolute zenith, this movie is a must see.

ALL-Factor: The relationship between the two leads was believable and made for some heart-wrenching moments including an ending I won't ruin. A lot of the humor was supplied by Hurt who managed to entertain his downtrodden bunk-mate and audience in the process. There is a level of uncomfortableness from seeing two men kissing but I suppose evolution of thought always has a level of unease.

Conclusion: Though slow at times, Kiss of the Spider Woman is an interesting little character piece that leaves a lasting impression. Though the directing can be pedestrian at times, the performances by Hurt and Julia make up for it in spades.

Review: The Anarchist Cookbook

Year: 2002
Genre: Dramedy
Stars: Devon Gummersall, Dylan Bruno, John Savage, Katherine Towne, Steve Van Wormer & Johnny Whitworth
Director: Jordan Susman

Overview: College dropout Puck (Devon Gummersall) is an intelligent anarchist who spends his days living in a commune of like-minded folks among them: Karla (Gina Philips), a man hating feminist, Johnny Red (John Savage) a peaceful old hippie and Double-D (Steve Van Wormer), Puck's dimwitted best friend. Aside from protesting certain "oppressive" government actions, everything is relatively calm on the commune as they wait for the revolution, that is until the appearance of Johnny Black (Dylan Bruno) a violent nihilist who dismisses their peaceful ways. Things start to spiral out of control as Johnny Black convinces the collective to take a more severe approach to anarchy.

Writing: For a movie about anarchy, the script is pretty ordinary. The main character is disarming as his voice-over adds in some much needed context. As things hit the fan, as it were, Puck's character flaws are recognized and adjusted and by the end of the movie you feel he has grown up. This exact story seems to be lifted from 1998's SLC Punk! though while SLC delivered scathing satire, Cookbook only gives an occasional wink to the hypocrisies entrenched in that lifestyle. Though that's not necessarily a bad thing, for a movie claiming to be a comedy, overall the humor is very slight.

Directing: Jordan Susman made a lukewarm entrance into the movie industry winning a second place prize in 1997 for his short film Sitting in Limbo at the Montreal Film Festival. The Anarchist Cookbook, released five years later has shown little improvement. Some scenes seem to have been shot by different types of cameras and lighting for no stylistic reason other than clear budget restraints. The editing is sloppy and everything seems to just not mesh well.

Acting: A movie that involves such a challenging character arch needs to be supplied with decent acting on the part of the lead, and though Devon Gummersall tries his best, he never seems to get his footing on the character. This is not helped by his lackadaisical timing when it comes to the films funnier moments. There is one scene where his character attempts to pick up a young woman played by Katherine Towne. After some back and forth she asks him "what are you doing?" to which he quips "talking...human interaction, its all the rage in Europe." A funny line that would have been funnier if given to more experienced hands. The supporting cast doesn't fair any better. Karla becomes obnoxious, John Savage seems to phone it in and the character of Double-D is nothing more than a caricature out of place with the "developing characters". There is one bright light in the form of Dylan Bruno. Bruno manages to portray menace with such understated glee that he balances intelligence, cunning and meat-headed violence perfectly. What scary about Johnny Black is he's willing to do any underhanded thing to achieve his goal. He knows hes bad and he knows exactly what he's doing.

Bankability: This film is very loosely connected with the book The Anarchist Cookbook, a collection of do-it-yourself explosives, weapons and other violent tools. Aside from featuring the book, the movie has no connection to it or its author who has since regretted ever publishing but it does serve as a plot point, albeit a useless one. John Savage is the only recognizable face in the bunch. The pace of the story is very schizophrenic as some scenes are unbearably slow while others simply whiz by. The movie tries too hard to show the emperor has no clothes on both extremes of the political spectrum and though it eventually becomes moratorium on violence the message plays out like a bandaid on a tumor.

ALL-Factor: There are no belly laughs in this movie, not even slight chuckles. Nor are their tears, fear, thrills or anything other than the feeling of slight annoyance as the credits role. Seriously if you want to watch the exact same thing done better, watch SLC Punk!

Conclusion: The Anarchist Cookbook is an ill-conceived mess. Neither funny or dramatically engrossing, it serves as a toothless and forgetful expose on a subculture that deserves more credit. Neither emotionally striking or politically resonant this film about anarchy simply lacks anarchistic spirit.

Review: Dave

Year: 1993
Genre: Comedy
Stars: Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver, Frank Langella Kevin Dunn & Ben Kingsley
Director: Ivan Reitman

Overview: Dave Kovic (Kevin Kline) is a good-natured temp agency operator who looks a lot like philandering President Bill Mitchell (Also Kevin Kline). Recruited to attend an event as the President while Mitchell has a roll in the hay with his secretary, Dave is suddenly put into political office after Mitchell is put into a coma. Though he first tries to fill the President's shoes, Dave soon shuffles off his puppeteers and attempts to make a few changes at the bewilderment of Chief of Staff Bob Alexander (Frank Langella).

Writing: Despite its hokey high concept, Dave is a beautifully written screenplay that hones in on the populist fervor of Frank Capra's best. Surprisingly unlike Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Dave was actually accepted by many in the political establishment and featured cameos ranging from Democratic Senators Christopher Dodd and Paul Simon to conservative pundit Robert Novak and future Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The underlying themes in Dave however are not entirely serviced with the films aw-shucks approach. Dave as President Mitchell at one point introduces a comprehensive jobs bill that while warms the cockles is light on details. Still no one can expect a film about responsible politics can actually give answers to complex problems. Even if it did, who'd want to watch?

Directing: Ivan Reitman's approach to comedy is vaudevillian at heart, featuring gags that are neither gross, mean spirited or crass. The real challenge given the script was holding back the silliness so as not to belay the films more serious moments. Reitman manages to tread the minefield he has sullied before but in this case it is more a testament to the acting than the directing.

Acting: Kevin Kline has made a long and illustrious career from playing the well meaning fool. While there may not be nothing new in this movie Kline still manages to entertain. Sigourney Weaver has a tough job playing the emotionally distant first lady Ellen and her ignorance of the switch isn't entirely believable. Still the chemistry between Kevin Kline and Sigourney Weaver is electric and gently drifts from hatred to love without getting overtly schmaltzy. Frank Langella is simply irreproachable as the opportunistic Chief of Staff as he comes to loath Dave's industrious nature and sunny disposition. Ben Kingsley, as always gives the movie much needed heft as Vice President making his one precious scene the nutritious part of Dave's candy coated political message.

Bankability: Dave features well known actors and has the breakneck pacing essential to modern cinema. Popular in its release Dave was nominated for two Golden Globes and an Academy Award. This movie would be a special treat to politcos who will be drawn in by its progressive message while simultaneously taking shots at the Clinton Administration.

ALL-Factor: There once was an article written nostalgic of the political satires released during the Clinton years versus the Bush years. It argued that movies like American Dreamz and W. are less considered than Wag the Dog and Primary Colors. While the later were critical of the possesses and corruptions of power while eluding to the man in the round room, the former are more personal pot-shots at the man and less cohesive as to their points. Dave is one of those later films. Considered, light and most importantly funny, Dave is assessable to all.

Conclusion: I could not more emphatically recommend this film to those looking for a fun movie to rent. It is lighthearted, humorous and has a valid view of power and the men and women who strive for it.

Review: Secretary

Year: 2002
Genre: Romantic Drama
Stars: Maggie Gyllenhaal, James Spader, Jeremy Davies, Lesley Ann Warren & Stephen McHattie
Director: Steven Shainberg

Overview: What can be generally described as a romantic drama, Secretary is a simple story about a woman falling in love with a man and how two complicated souls can truly complete each other...albeit in a very unorthodox way. Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal) has returned from the mental hospital to find none of the family problems in her household have dissipated since her "breakdown". Convinced to take up a trade, Lee takes a secretary job at the law offices of E. Edward Grey (Spader), a draconian task master who Lee immediately admires despite his harsh treatment of her. What starts as admiration however soon blossoms into full blown obsession as the abrasive Mr. Grey and the submissive Lee become entangled in each others mind games.

Writing: The writing of this picture has all the laudable qualities of a low profile independent drama. It's funny, bittersweet and has a cleverness that pokes fun at relationships romantic and otherwise. I am usually weary of movies where the romance is the main story but Secretary has very lofty ambitions and dares to go where few films do; which sets it apart from the usual fare.

Directing: This film has all the hallmarks of an atmospheric drama, complete with subtle changes in light and bourgeois sets complete with antiquated typewriters and family brick-a-brack. As things become amorous on screen however Shainberg creates an erotic mood comparable to some of Hollywood's steamiest sex scenes, doing so with little nudity or even sex. Shainberg has a good sense of the provocative making nearly everything, from pouring coffee to watering plants, erotic.

Acting: Though the writing of this movie is exceptional, its important to mention, what is really important about the script is what is not said, or rather subtext. This quality cannot be possible without brilliant acting, which is supplied by the leads Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. Both have an undeniable chemistry and display a sexiness that truly lights up the screen. Spader's Mr. Grey tries hard to distance himself from his carnal attachments to Lee, culminating in a quiet self-loathing that only James Spader can pull off. Maggie Gyllenhaal's Lee goes through a stunning transformation from mousy to self-affirming with such aplomb that she was nominated for a Golden Globe the year this film was released. Lee's clear desire to connect with Mr. Grey is just as strong as his need to stay aloof; a ying to his yang. Special mention must also go to Jeremy Davies as Lee's nerdy boyfriend she eventually dumps.

Bankability: Though this film sets a distinct mood, it would be hard to strictly categorize it as either a romantic comedy or romantic drama. Secretary tows the line between the two and therefore doesn't fit a convention, though that's not a bad thing. As for the bankable talents, Maggie Gyllenhaal's star has certainly been rising over the past few years, managing to balance strong supporting roles in films like World Trade Center and Crazy Heart and meaty lead roles in obscure but well intentioned films like SherryBaby. Though a little green by industry standards, with her girl-next-door good looks and acting gifts, I hope she becomes a regular fixture on the big screen for years to come. James Spader on the other hand has had a long career on television and movies no doubt injecting his Emmy award winning persona non grata Alan Shore with a little of Mr. Grey.

ALL-Factor: Secretary made quite an impression when first introduced to the public through the independent film festival circuits. I was fortunate enough to see it in theatres and, while I felt a little awkward watching it with high school chums, it still resonates with me to this day. The characters motivations are never put into question but their communication, or sometimes miscommunications making them likable. You really start to root for them to be together in the end, a quality that sets the golden rule for all modern romance stories.

Conclusion: There's is a joke that reminds me of this film; a masochist walks up to a sadist and says "hit me, hit me" and the sadist says "no." Though I have been dancing around the subject, this film is indeed about sadomasochism, not the whips, chains and gimp suits kind we are all accustomed to seeing but rather the psychology behind it. Those willing to try something different won't be disappointed and this recommendation isn't limited to the sexually promiscuous but the squeamish as well. For a movie about such taboo subject matter, its surprisingly accessible, which makes us all winners in the end.

Review: The Rage in Placid Lake

Year: 2003
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Stars: Benny Lee, Rose Byrne, Miranda Richardson & Garry McDonald
Director: Tony McNamara
Overview: Not to be confused with the mediocre creature feature Placid Lake, The Rage in Placid Lake is actually a quirky romantic comedy, a fun corporate satire and a weighty coming-of-age tale. Placid Lake (Benny Lee) is a curiously precocious high schooler raised by new age hippie parents and is constantly picked on by bullies. In an act of fearlessness, Placid presents a brutally honest student video at school which assuredly lands him in the hospital. Recovering from his wounds, Placid realizes a change needs to be made and formulates a plan to become normal to the disappointment of his best friend Gemma (Rose Byrne).

Writing: Originally a play entitled "The Cafe Latte Kid" by Tony McNamara, the big screen adaptation is witty, charming and strangely reflective. Benny Lee's occasional voice over gives the script some tongue-and-cheek humor and the story becomes unpredictably fresh as Placid's inner psyche evolves. Many might find the humor a bit different. In most satires, characters are a logical extension of the subject up for satire but after the first third of the film most characters are treated with a level of civility. Placid's corporate boss for example is first seen as a soulless task master but near the end of the movie you find he's just a person who has lost himself in a corporate world. Unfortunately this movie's freshness starts to fade away in the third act as story holes are quickly plugged in like so much Spackle on drywall and Placid receives his happy Hollywood ending.

Directing: Adapting your own play to the silver screen is no easy task and requires a level of intimacy which Tony McNamara pulls off to a large extent. McNamara's directing, and this movie as a whole brings to mind Jason Reitman and Juno. This can only work against the movie as the rich colors and vivid detail of the set pieces seem less spontaneous by comparison. Keep in mind however that The Rage in Placid Lake came out first and McNamara has a keen eye for mixing the extremes of say, the sanitized gleam of a work terminal to the anarchic room of a college bound student.

Acting: Indie rocker Benny Lee makes his film debut as the film's protagonist and does a fine job concerting Placid's id, ego and superego. His unique charm and unconventional good looks work in his favor as he walks the line between adolescent naivety and adulthood cynicism. Likewise Rose Byrne makes Gemma uniquely fun as a prudish overachiever constantly egged on by her stepfather. The real standouts however are the supporting cast members. Miranda Richardson and Garry McDonald tread the waters well as a hippie couple with marital problems. Though originally introduced as a caricature both manage to make the best of their parts and transcend into fleshed out characters with motivations that aren't always virtuous but human. Likewise Saskia Smith and Christopher Stollery make the best of their screen time as Placid's sexually charged, emotionally distant co-worker and his boss respectively.

Bankability: An indie movie in conception and execution, this movie is a treat for those wanting to tread the well worn path of romantic comedies. But like most good indie films, the high-concept isn't the point. Characterization and the evolution of the themes are what makes this film worth while and the themes are quite universal. The Rage in Placid Lake simply asks, what is identity, is it important, can we change it and would we want to.

ALL-Factor: Teen comedies like The Breakfast Club and Charlie Bartlett attempt to mix laughs with jolts of cinematic seriousness that succeeded in the former, but not in the later. Although not as scrabbled as Charlie Bartlett, The Rage in Lake Placid isn't as composed as it should be. The jokes are laugh-out-loud funny but few and far in between and the love story lacks evolution, at points it seemed Rose Byrne could have been replaced with a male friend and most of the plot points would be the same throughout (though the end kiss would be a little awkward).

Conclusion: I would recommend this to anyone of sound mind and body but not strongly enough to warrant required watching status. Though it has a uniqueness that sticks with you after the credits roll, it only raises to the occasion of date night filler.

The Worst of the Worst: 25 Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen

What can be said about the cinema that hasn’t already been said before? Movies can transport and transform, enthrall and dismay, crystallize ones memories and begin new ones. There are however, some movies that do none of those things. Some movies can be instantly forgettable and dismally detestable. So without further ado this is one humble reviewer’s 25 worst movies ever.

25. Signs (2002)

Now I know some might be puzzled by my choice of Signs as one of the worst movies ever made. The movie comes highly lauded by critics and is known as M. Night Shyamalan’s most “mainstream” work. But if his later films are any indication to those cursing my name, he’s a no talent hack! Underneath layers of pretention and boredom, Signs is nothing more than an anticlimactic Twilight Zone rip-off. Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix both manage to suck the life out of their characters, a wayward preacher and his doddering brother respectively. Abigail Breslin screams her way though the movie and all the supporting characters spitefully move across the screen “slyly” leaving out important details and “hinting” at plot points as if they’re not fleshed out characters of their own, but vessels to repeat the same pieces of exposition. The preacher’s wife is dead, we get it! And what is the twist that seems to leave audiences gasping at the end of every damn Shyamalan movie? The aliens invading don’t like (drum roll please) water! Well I suppose they should have thought twice before travelling millions of light years to invade a planet that’s 80% water. But hey, if the liquid that supports ALL life can serve as a plot device that makes the preacher’s wife dying words relevant and help Joaquin’s batting average, why the hell not?

24. Boys and Girls (2000)

Think Sleepless in Seattle or When Harry Met Sally, except without the good acting of the former or the poignancy of the later. Freddie Prinze Jr. makes the same stale everyman performance he always does as the movie spews stupidly self aware observations of modern day romance as if the writers are gurus on this sort of thing. Though this doesn’t really make a movie terrible, what does is the add-on of Blair Witch Projects’ Heather Donahue and not one but two American Pie alumni Jason Biggs and Alyson Hannigan. It’s almost as if the producers said, “Let’s just take various flavor of the month actors and put them on screen to retell their most boring college memories.” A romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor funny, this movie would be instantly forgettable if it wasn’t so stridently annoying.

23. View From the Top (2002)

I’m not quite sure what the main demographic was supposed to be. On the surface it looks like a harmless and forgettable chick-flick but as I watched, it seemed to be more geared toward misogynistic men. Maybe it’s a feminist satire, or an anarchic comedy, or a heartfelt story of a girl attempting to achieve her dream. In a way this movie is all and none, which is its biggest problem. The mood of this film is all over the place! One minute Gwyneth Paltrow and Candice Bergen are gal paling around, the next minute Mike Myers is describing the warmth of a polar bear’s balls while Josh Malina does every unfunny stereotype of a prancing gay man in the book. Christina Applegate also makes an appearance as Paltrow’s friend who eventually slams her head on what appears to be a loaf of bread or a hemorrhoid pillow; an unintended metaphor for this film. Stupid, sexist and worst of all, free of comedy, View From the Top is a rectal itch that needs to just go away.

22. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

It’s funny that the best part of this moldy piece of decade old crusty fruitcake is its opening credits. Offering an annoying holiday jingle, the movie focuses around a group of Martians who invade earth with a wooden spaceship and a robot made of cardboard to rob our planet of our dear St. Nick. Featuring a man in a polar bear costume, a chronically peeved mustached villain and a goofy sidekick that makes French Stewart seem delightful, this Holiday crap-fest has become legendary, making many critics’ worst lists. To its credit, it was meant to entertain small children not nitpicky adults. That being said, find a kid today willing to sit through this dull Martian mess and I’ll show you the creepiest version of Santa known to man.

21. King Kong (1976)

Everyone is familiar with the 1933 super hit and the Peter Jackson re-mastering, but few remember the 1976 quagmire. Other than Japanese B-movies, no self-respecting studio would dare remake King Kong. Why mess with perfection? In comes Lorenzo Semple Jr. co-creator of the 1988 Batman series staring Adam West and the writer of this pile of guano. Filled with cheesy dialogue and stupid situations this version doesn’t have the innovation of the original or the wiz-bang special effects of the newer remake. Though there have been plenty of rip-offs involving dangerous apes (Mighty Joe Young, Congo, Vin Diesel movies) none have had the lack of respect for the original King Kong more than this gorilla sized monstrosity.

20. George of the Jungle (1997)

Speaking of cheesy movies involving apes, George of the Jungle is celluloid proof that no one, NO ONE, should ever make a live action movie from a cartoon. Brendan Fraser revamps his irritating Encino Man persona for this disposable Disney dreck. Leslie Mann (in a pre Judd Apatow role) plays George’s unconvincing love interest, as Thomas Haden Church seems to truly despise his role as the antagonist. John Cleese who was cast after losing a bet most likely, plays the voice of a literate Ape named…Ape who guides George to become the buffoonish man-child he has become which brings up some interesting questions; I’ll buy the ape can talk but how can George be as stupid as he is when he was raised by an ape that can put English professors to shame? But hey it’s a kids movie right? That excuse is a cop out; Finding Nemo is a kids movie, Up is a kids movie, Cinderella is a kids movie and they all create their own worlds and make them work, George of the Jungle instead devolves to unfunny cartoon slapstick hoping your kids will be enticed by the pretty colors flashing across the screen. For shame.

19. High School Musical (2006)

Two words: uber lame

18. The Land That Time Forgot (2009)

Staring a no star cast and offering the most unconvincing CGI since Sound of Thunder, This 90 minute, straight to DVD train wreck has the dialogue, cinematography and acting of a softcore porno without the nudity. The most exciting part of this whole feature was an elongated conversation on the refinement of petroleum. Wow, Edgar Rice Burroughs must be rolling over in his grave right about now.

17. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

Another “groovy” cartoon series gets a live action update in this colossal waste of time. The irony of this teen flick is it attempts to satirize the commercialization of….well everything while assaulting the senses with advertisements for every product under the sun, from ipods to Bounce fabric softener. The songs were annoying and after the initial setup, the film is incredibly predictable. Add all these factors, they don’t make it one of the worst movies ever but add in Tara Reid and an overacting Alan Cumming, you have the makings of something quite close.

16. Garfield: The Movie (2004)

Taking one of the least funny Sunday cartoon strips and giving it a CGI makeover doesn’t make it any less annoying. The whiney half-assed jokes and trite cat versus dog hi-jinks pile on like layers of lasagna as Garfield, voiced by Bill Murray at his most obnoxious chews the scenery. It’s kind of sad when the only actor pulling his weight in a film is Breckin Meyer. Obviously geared to toddlers, the executive producers and writers neglected to include those of us who grew up on the comic strip in their marketing strategy. Ask a seven year old who Garfield the cat is they’ll likely look at you quixotically. The humor in the original comic strip is meant to be ironic and sly; the supposed humor in the film is bombastic, obnoxious and dull.

15. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

The quintessential chick-flick of its time, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days seems like it would be better suited for cable. Matthew “Washboard” McConaughey makes a deal with a few coworkers to get a girl to fall in love with him in 10 days while Kate “Butterface” Hudson is writing a book on how to lose a guy in…10 days! Let the tour de farce begin! A preposterous plot is topped only by McConaughey and Hudson’s unconvincing acting, pedestrian dialogue and the reinforcement of gender stereotypes.

14. Tank Girl (1995)

The movie begins with an arid and eerie landscape and Lori Petty’s idiosyncratic voice scraping against your eardrums. The hero of this dystopian world makes multiple mid-nineties wisecracks (it’s the year 2033) and finds the time to constantly change her hair style while working as a slave laborer. Splicing in images of the comic this movie was based off of and featuring a song and dance number that has no rhyme, reason or rhythm, Tank Girl has the charm of a Mad Max marauder. It’s almost like Waterworld and Johnny Mnemonic had a retarded child and asked a pederast Iggy Pop to babysit.

13. Inspector Gadget 2 (2003)

What do you get when you try to make a sequel to a lukewarm kid friendly success and the original stars aren’t contractually obligated to reprise their roles? You get Inspector Gadget 2 featuring French Stewart in the title role and Elaine Hendrix playing his robotic female partner who resembles a high school drum major. Inspector Gadget is portrayed as an incredulous jerk instead as the loveable buffoon of the cartoon or the nicer Broderick update. Though I’ll admit the first film was bad, at least it had somewhat believable CGI, this movie is just laughable.

12. Darkness Falls (2003)

Horror movies have never been so horrible. The basic premise of Darkness Falls is theirs an evil tooth fairy who lurks in the shadows and darkness sweeping children off their feet as well as anyone else stupid enough to stand in its way, unless their in the light, then they’re fine. Offering a revolving door of characters, many of them simply screaming then vanishing into the shadows, this movie rarely scares and never makes any sense.

11. National Lampoon Presents Lost Reality 2: More of the Worst (2005)

More of the Worst is right! I have never had the pleasure of seeing the first Lost Reality but by the looks of it, I’m not missing anything. There is no plot to be found in this Jackass-type mess. Featuring “proposed ideas” for reality television that seem like skits rejected from Collegehumor.com. Segments include The Amazing Racist, Dumpster Dinner and Porn Producers some of which may be funny to some, but most are just crude, stupid and makes you pine for the days when National Lampoon actually had class.

10. The Passion of the Christ (2004)

We have finally reached the bottom ten on my list and the first will anger many so let me start with a hypothetical: imagine you knew nothing about Jesus Christ, imagine your first introduction to the savior was this film. You would probably walk away thinking very little about the main character and thinking more about the almost wicked bloodlust of the creators of such torture porn. You compare this movie to Hostel or House of a Thousand Corpses and the only difference is the other titles have a little more creativity in their torture and killing. Christ died for our sins, and most likely very painfully, that much is known. But while most movies on the iconoclast focus on his life (King of Kings, The Gospel According to St. Matthew) or focus on his character (The Last Temptation of Christ), this poor excuse for cinema focuses on nothing more than physical torture.

9. Jury Duty (1995)

Yes, no worst movie ever list can be complete without a Pauly Shore vehicle making an appearance. I won’t spend too much time explaining this no brainer, instead I will enlighten my readers on why no other Pauly Shore movies have been selected. Bio-Dome was stupid but had a positive message about the environment…and featured a young Tenacious D. In the Army Now featured Andy Dick which oddly enough neutralizes the irritation factor, don’t ask me how. Encino Man only ran 88 minutes to Jury Duty’s 89 and Pauly Shore is Dead is…well a fantasy of mine. As for any others, I simply haven’t seen them, nor do I plan to.

8. Spice World (1997)

Those who have survived the 90’s remember The Spice Girls, an all girl music group whose melodies managed to grate the soul. Like Josie and the Pussycats, Spice World follows the titular band through their wacky misadventures and manages to thoroughly disappoint even the most enamored of fans. Unlike Josie however, the Spice Girls are real, adding another level to their obnoxiousness. Co-starring a slew of British actors and musicians lacking a conscious or self-esteem, this movie is a world of pain I would try to avoid.

7. Rollerball (2002)

Chris Klein, who you may remember as that guy from American Pie, stars as Jonathan Cross a popular player for international extreme sport Rollerball, a past-time as confusing as it is ludicrous. Jonathan soon realizes that the sport is rigged and his life may be in danger by his boss played by Jean Reno as a Russian with a French accent. In one misguided scene Jonathan attempts to escape Mongolia in the darkness with his teammate played by LL Cool J. The director not realizing shooting on location means that it would be exceptionally dark in Mongolia shot the entire ten minute action sequence in night vision. A movie so daft it couldn’t be saved even by Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’s naked body or a cameo by Pink.

6. 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

The least interesting character in its predecessor (Paul Walker) gives another go at attempting to act in 2 Fast 2 Furious. The first Fast and the Furious was astoundingly middling for my taste but it had no pretentions on what it was, a passive excuse to show hot girls and hot cars. While neither is in low supply in this outing, 2 Fast ultimately suffers from a pedestrian, cliché ridden script and bad acting which says a lot when you’re following Vin Diesel.

5. Date Movie (2006)

There are probably worse Aaron Seltzer/Jason Friedberg films out there but since watching this putrid pile of hedonistic sludge I have since boycotted such fare. In addition to parodying a host of chick-flick movies released in the last five years, this sorry excuse for a movie attempts to cram in a host of pop-culture references giving this trash a shelf life of five minutes. Unfortunately this assurance doesn’t stop this film from leaving blight on the brain. Neither funny nor entertaining, Date Movie has all the charm of a sack full of drowned puppies.

4. House of the Dead (2003)

Have no fear; Uwe Boll does indeed make an appearance on this list. House of the Dead is a low budget horror based on the videogame series of the same name. A group of teenagers travel to an island in search of a rave party but once there zombies are unleashed by a villain resembling a meat cut chart. Like a poor man’s Michael Bay, Uwe Boll assaults the senses with everything a twelve to fifteen year-old boy would presumably want; gore, slow motion sequences, unnecessary nudity, all within the first thirty minutes; All done with the economy of an Ed Wood creature feature.

3. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

This worn franchise scrapes the bottom of the barrel for another run around the track. This time a mannequin stand-in for Paul Walker (accredited as Lucas Black) gets in trouble with the law and as a consequence is logically sent to Tokyo to live with his father. Interested in the fine sport of racing CGI sports cars, our hero gets in deep with some Yakuza thugs and is forced to show some emotion. Co-starring Bow Wow, Tokyo Drift features a climactic final race on the winding roads outside the city that lacks suspense or thrills. Unoriginal and boring, this movie loses before it even starts.

2. Bringing Down the House (2003)

Bringing Down the House gets the award for most misused talent. Starring Steve Martin, Queen Latifah and Eugene Levy, this movie hopes to squeeze all the mileage it can out of dull and offensive racial humor that hasn’t been funny since the Carter administration. I don’t know what idiot believed that the whiter, older and feeble minded the star is the funnier it would be to see them dressed up like a gangster but they should be shot.

1. Monkeybone (2001)

Never has a movie gotten it so wrong. Brendan Fraser (who makes his second appearance on this list) stars as a successful cartoonist Stu who falls into a coma after an accident, the details of which are too stupid to mention, and ends up in a parallel universe inside his mind where he meets his creation Monkeybone. Monkeybone a lascivious little monkey with a penchant for chaos takes over Stu’s body and wrecks havoc on his relationship with his girlfriend/psychiatrist. Stu, still in his own head we think, makes a plea to Death, played by Whoopi Goldberg (the only casting choice I agree with) and is loaned a body to win back his girl before Monkeybone has his way with her. Co-starring Bridget Fonda and Chris Kattan as the loaned body, this movie is just plain bad. Bad direction, bad acting, bad editing, bad cinematography, bad script, I would be ashamed to be this movie’s boom mic operator (which is visible in one scene). The failure of this film is actually quite spectacular; A perfect shit-storm the likes of which will (Hopefully) never be repeated.